So this past week had been an emotional one for me. I do not usually mention my sister on this blog, for good reason, but this week all of my emotional stress and heartache has come from her situation...it's hard to decide what's ok to say and what needs to be left out. I am an honest person and do not hide things. That being said, I will be omitting some details to this part of my life until time has passed and things are easier to talk about...I can just say that it is a legal situation that will be in the media soon on a national level. Scary, disheartening, stressful, sad...... this, of course, makes my lupus more active. I am tired and hurting. My mind doesn't turn off. It's hard to not be consumed by this family matter. This, like everyone else's family matters, tears at everyone's hearts in the family. I can only turn to God in this time. God knows our limits and our needs. At this time, He knew I needed to be still. Ella McCray came down with a fever and threw up once Sunday night, so we have been home from school Monday and today. This wasn't my plan, but this rest was much needed. I believe that God was forcing me to be still and quiet. To listen. To find peace.
Luckily, the past two days have been beautiful. Cool but pleasant. We were able to get outside on Monday after picking Tip up from school and play in the back yard. I even served the kids supper outside on their picnic table. It was during this time that I felt God's presence. Sometimes when the sun catches an angle through the trees, or when your kids share an innocent giggle together, or you just feel peace in a still moment....you can feel like God is there and that everything is going to be ok. It was a moment of peace. A split second.
Last night Ella McCray still had a fever, so school was out for today. As a teacher, I feel very strongly about keeping my kids out of school until they are no longer contagious to any others, so with fever we must be fever-free for 24 hours. No fever today, so we were able to get outside this morning and decorate the front yard for fall. I'm not sure why, but each year I look forward to the beginning or spring and then beginning of fall when I can plant flowers in my window boxes. It makes me feel good. It is a form of therapy I guess. And I needed it today. Somehow, the weather, the rest, the flowers and the pumpkins have helped me to feel more at peace and rested. It doesn't fix everything. It doesn't make my worries disappear. It doesn't heal my heartbreak....but I'll take every happy moment I can every chance I can get.
This is the way I feel right now...broken, in pieces. I only can pray that this life and everything that happens to me is for God's glory. I pray that I will use my life and everything that I've been through to do God's will...whatever it may be.
http://youtu.be/UI1obeb3A9c
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