I Put My Spoons Up

I surrender. I'm overwhelmed, exhausted, and apparently I have no memory what so ever. I'm sure all of y'all are familiar with the spoon theory, especially if you have a chronic illness, it's the comparison to life using spoons each time you use energy...so by the end of the day, you're out of spoons, even if that means you've got more things to do. I'm out of spoons right now.

This week was my first full week back to school teaching first grade. Planning itself, is a big job. I'd like to think that I'm an over achiever, but maybe not. I try my best to do as much as I can with my kids and to maximize my planning to do everything I think I could do is a good teacher. The truth is, that we've also had one of Ella McCray's friends with us this week. She's been spending the week with us while her mom is in ICU. Her mom has cystic fibrosis and is 24. I'm glad that Hope has been able to stay with us this weekend, but I will admit that with three children and back to school teaching full-time I am very worn out. It turns out that we had a birthday party this morning that I completely forgot about. This happens to be my best friend and her daughter. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. But I guess that's life. My lupus seems to be active right now, But I guess that's what happens when my body is going full force and I can't keep up. I am overdue for my infusion, at least I feel like it! This Wednesday should be my next infusion in Jackson, Tennessee...and I cannot wait. It seems that I really do need my medication even when I feel good. I'm looking forward to my date with Ben (Benlysta that is)!

I have been doing so well this summer with my lupus everything seems to of been settled. The last flare I had was when things happened with my family, this past September, and it had put my body back a little bit with the stress that came from wearing. Once I had gotten over that hump, things settle down. I guess that's life with lupus! There will always be times where I am overdoing it without knowing it and later realize it when I'm hurting.

Days like today make me grateful to feel good because I do hurt. And I've guaranteed and promised God that if he allows me to have the pain and spares my children that I will take the pain happily. So today through my tears, I'm smiling because it's me and not my kids. Having Hope with this this week has made me realize that it could be so much worse than it is, somebody always has it worse than I do. I am grateful for my health even when it is bad. I'm grateful to spend time with my children. God has been so good to me. And most days, including today, I see my lupus is a gift. A blessing even. To know that life is short and to appreciate every moment you have is probably not the norm in everyone's life. But when you have a chronic illness, you begin to appreciate every day and every moment that you have good, bad, and ugly.

I ask for prayers right now, for Hope and her mother Sarah. I cannot imagine being 24 having a small child and being in the hospital all the time unable to catch my breath to breathe. She is waiting on the double lung transplant right now. I pray for her. I pray for her family. I pray that God will give her the strength to get through this so that she will be able to live her life for God and with her child. Pray for the doctors, I pray for the insurance companies. Right now a lot of what's keeping her from having her lung transplant, is the fact that insurance won't approve it. It makes me upset and angry to think that someone's life could be in the in the hands of the insurance company and the only reason that nothing is moving forward as they don't want to pay for something that is a necessity and essential for someone's life.

So I'm sorry I haven't written in a while, life has been busy. I'm lucky that life has been busy. That means that I can live my life busily, not sick, and continuing to go even through the fatigue in the pain. That is a blessing in of itself.