No Plans are Good Plans

So we were going to go to the lake this weekend, but luckily it rained and we had to cancel. I could not have asked for a better long weekend... I need the rest, lots of it. So far, I've done a lot of sleeping. Sleeping in, napping, and resting. The bad thing.....it's not enough rest yet. I still feel exhausted and am hurting a good bit.
Yesterday was a frustrating day. There are things I have had to let go...I can't do everything. I just don't have enough energy or time. So what have I given up? Mostly the dishes. I am very anal and like to have everything in its place before I go to bed, but I had to let go of something. Now, it might be a day or two of dishes living in the sink before I unload and reload the dishwasher. It's just my life now. My husband hates dishes, so it's not something he comes home and sees and just jumps in to help. Well, today I came home to him doing dishes. I was a bit shocked, so my first reaction was to say thank you. I was not greeted by a kind "You're welcome", or any other pleasantly. I was greeted with a "Today I hate your lupus."
Many emotions begin to rise as I heard this. Why do you hate my illness today? Is it because you know my exhaustion and you hate it for me? Is it because you see that sometimes I am a shell of the woman you met and feel in love with? Is it because you want to fix me and cannot and you get so angry and protective because you want me to be okay? I'm kind of leaning towards a disappointing answer.... he hates my illness because he had to do the dishes for me. Hmm.
How can we love each other so much and not want to help the other when they're in need? If any of you reading this have a spouse that struggles with a chronic illness, please remember that although there are times that you hate the disease that your spouse is battling and times that you wish life were "normal" again (for whatever reasons, and yes you are entitled to hate this illness too)....they are hating it worse. It's a harder battle to fight from inside the beast than it is from outside. It's not your body that hurts, fails, and exhausts. It's not your perseverance that is tested daily, or even hourly. Be kind and remember that you are a team. There are going to be times your teammate needs you. They didn't ask to be the "sick" spouse when you said those vows "for better or worse, in sickness and in health". I know I'd be happier being the healthy spouse. At the end of the day, you have each other. You take care of each other. It's hard sometimes, but selfishness is never flattering. Better yet, selfishness never makes any situation any better. Try to always see life through the eyes of the ones you love. The tough battles are easier when fought together.


I"m also hoping for my loved ones to take this to heart too!