The US in LupUS: Meds or Chemo???

I had another doctors appointment today. These visits have become a constant in my life with Lupus. Today, it was the cardiologist. He confirmed my suspicions that everything going on right now is a result of my 5 years of steroid usage. He recommended I get off the steroids immediately or I would continue to have more damage. I know that doesn't sound like a great report, but it was what I was hoping for because it means there is no major organ involvement right now (which is good) and it supports my decision to head towards chemo (because chemo is the only way I can get off of steroids). And the winner today is.....chemo!!!

It's funny, when chemo was first mentioned, I cried. I thought, if I have to do chemo, it's my last resort, and if it's my last resort what if it doesn't work. Then what would happen in my life. It was a scary thought. But God works in funny ways. Now, after almost a year since its first mention, I am slowly seeing that its not that bad of an option. Sure, I'll lose my hair...but I could gain my life. It could shut down my immune system to normal! I wouldn't hurt, I wouldn't need the meds (most of the 13 different prescriptions I take daily). I won't have to worry about organs getting involved or failing. I might lose my hair and my fertility, but I could gain my life! So now, I find my self getting ready to fight for chemo. It's what I think I need to do and what I want to do. Funny isn't it!!
I also tried to tell a chemo joke this weekend while we were out with friends. We had a bit to drink and the subject came up, so I was making light of it, and then I made what I thought was a funny joke. I said, "I always thought Cliff (my husband) would be the one who was fat and bald in our 30's, not me." And I laughed. No one else laughed. So I've made a mental note that chemo jokes aren't funny to people who aren't involved!! I guess they feel sorry for me, so laughing at something that seems sad feels wrong. I'll have to work on my delivery. Sometimes laughing at things is the best way to deal without crying.
So ,on a totally different note, I also hate the way I've looked for at least the past two years. My face doesn't look like mine. I've gained weight from the steroids and the thyroid condition caused by my Lupus. So I very rarely ever take pictures that involve me. But I'm going to try to start. This is my life and this is me, whether I like it or not. What if I always look like this? What if I don't ever go back to how I was? So I know that's possible. So here are the few pictures I do have from the past few years.

This is me and my babies snuggling on the sofa before bed!

Yes, that is a bruise on my face! My bleeding disorder (courtesy of Lupus) has shown its face after a trip to the dentist...and yes, I did get a lot of sad stares like I was being beaten at home :(